Date:	2004-05-02 16:50
Subject:	Big Fish thoughts
Security:	Public
Mood:	thoughtful

So, my sister started her own LiveJournal, and has visited here, but still has not posted any comments. L, you suck. Yes, I know I promised a new entry within the day in my last post, and then I don't return for the entire month of April. Bad Me. (Slaps hand) No real excuse, just never really had anything to say when I've thought about posting. Nothing much new around here. I'm keeping busy with work and school. I bought Big Fish on DVD this week, but haven't had time to watch it yet. I saw this movie in the theatres when it came out in January, and it really moved me. My Grandfather had passed away in November, and I didn't really deal with it. I busied myself being strong for my sister and my aunt and my cousins, and didn't really let myself think about it too much. I filled myself with different emotions, so that sadness didn't really have anyplace to root. It's been 6 months now and it still hits me as a surprise sometimes that he's really gone. The main storyline of the movie is about a son who visits his storyteller father and wants to talk to him because he doesn't know who he really is, and it shows in flashbacks some of the "tall tales" the father has told, but it's the interaction between the father and son that really moved me. It really made me think about my Grandfather alot. The last line of the movie is as follows, "A man tells his stories so many times that he becomes the stories. They live on after him, and in that way, he becomes immortal." That just hit me so strong, and my poor wife, looks over as the credits start rolling to see me sobbing uncontrollably. I just want to recommend that everybody see this movie, you may not love it as much as I did, but you'll still enjoy it. If you don't enjoy it, then obviously there is something horrendously wrong with you and you should commit yourself to a mental facility where they can perform invasive electroshock therapy upon you to make you a human being. Maybe I'll actually do that quiz I promised later.

Date:	2004-03-25 16:49
Subject:	Welcome all New Readers.(If anyone bothered to come)
Security:	Public
Mood:	productive

So, I'm going to send this link to a few of my friends tonight. See what they think. And, just for Connie, I'm going to do another quiz, either tonight when I get home from school, or tommorow.

Date:	2004-03-19 00:42
Subject:	Ah, Fuck it.
Security:	Public
Mood:	pessimistic

So, what the hell. I've decided this is not going to be private, no matter how much I want it to be. Even though I know it would be cool and mentally helpful to have a "secret" place to write, this isn't going to be it. I'll keep writing letters to myself for all my deep venting shit, and this is going to be public. Even if I don't send it out to anybody, I still won't feel comfortable putting my innermost shit out there, just in case SOMEONE I know finds it. I realized while reading over all my previous entries, even without purposely doing it, I don't have my name or my wife's anywhere on the site. Even still, I'll just let it go, and maybe I'll open up more. I'm going to tell my wife about this place, and send the link to a few friends. I'll update again in a day or two about this past week. It's been pretty good.

Date:	2004-03-10 17:09
Subject:	Nobody showing love for me
Security:	Public
Mood:	sleepy

Well, judging by the lack of comments, after I basically begged for them in previous entries and while talking to my sister, leads me to believe that she never visited my site. Bummer. I'll have to remind her of the address again. I've been keeping pretty busy lately. I got a new job, which I enjoy, but the hours are 7am-3. After working afternoon and overnight shifts for a long time, this is a real shock to my system. I do fine in the beginning, but around 12-1, I start to fade. Then I get home at 3, and I'm fine again, until I start to get sleepy at 5. I've been trying not to sleep in the afternoons, or else I won't sleep at night. Besides the sleeping though, I actually like the fact that I still have part of the day to do stuff when I'm done work. When I started work at 1 at my last job, I would wake up around 11, fuck around on the computer for a bit, then go to work, come home at 9 and hang around the house with my wife. I felt like I never had free time. Now I get home at 3 and have a couple of hours until my wife gets home. I've been working lately on trying to make lists of my wrestling tapes and my Hard Rock Cafe pins. I have at least 300 pins if not more, and I used to have them displayed on the wall, but when I moved a few years ago, I put them away and never took them out again. They're in shoeboxes and plastic bags under my desk. Now, I come home, grab a handful of pins from the bag, and write the descriptions on my list. It's great, and slowly, I'm getting my collection organized. Now, I just need some money to buy display cases.

The other thing on my mind is school. I haven't been in school in 7 years, but I need to go back. I'm unhappy with my life as it is, and I know if I want to advance and get a better job, I need education and training. I've been thinking about this for over a year, but I kept putting it off. I finally enrolled in two courses that start next week, but I'm nervous. I hope I don't screw up this time like I have all the other attempts at post-secondary education. The courses go until May 20th, and then on the 21st my wife and I are going to New Jersey for a family event. I'm looking forward to it, since it's a chance to see family members I haven't seen in a while, as well as a chance to see the few that came to my wedding last summer again. Also, I'm an adult now, a married man, and hopefully I'll get some respect, although I think I'll always be a little kid to some relatives.

We're going to be in New Jersey for a week, and while I'm there, I want to take a day or two and go to Washington, D.C. to the Holocaust museum. This is someplace I've wanted to go for a while, but never had a chance. I didn't realize how close D.C. is to where I am in Jersey, and my sister has said she'll drive with me for an overnight trip. I hope so, but I can see her having to work, or something else coming up and not being able to go. I'm trying to think positive, though. Also, my wife and I will go into New York City for a day to have lunch and see a Broadway show. I don't know what's on right now, but I'm sure we'll find something we want to see. Well, this was a pretty long entry for me. And quite upbeat. Maybe life is looking up. (Ominous music starts as I just jinx myself)

Date:	2004-02-28 22:30
Subject:	Decisive Me
Security:	Public
Mood:	determined

So, I made a decision and sent the link to this journal to my sister. She can send it on to people, or she can be my one and only reader. Now the power is in her hands. Bwah, hah, hah! (Cue evil movie-villan laughter)

Maybe I'll send it out to more people later, but for now, it's all her.

Date:	2004-02-25 16:14
Subject:	oops, problem arises.
Security:	Public
Mood:	cranky

So, now I've discovered a problem with this. I want people to read this, and I'm trying to write as if there are people out there reading my words, but I'm not sure I want to tell people close to me about it. I don't want to send out the address to all my friends and family and have them reading here, and then someday have a fight with a friend or my wife and want to post about it, but hold back because I didn't want them to read it.
A friend of mine had a blog, and at first it was really interesting to read, but after a while he would hardly ever update it, and when he did, it was small, boring entries. When I complained, he told me that some people from work found out the address, and now he didn't feel like he could be as honest as he would like to, bitching about his boss, sharing specific details, etc. He tried using fake names, but that didn't work either. Eventually, he just gave up on the whole online thing. I don't want that to happen to me, but it could.
I have alot of shit on my mind that I'd like to get out, but I don't want specific people to read. However, what's the point of writing online if nobody's reading it? I want this to be seen, I admit it. Most people who have online blogs are exhibitionists at heart, they want their stuff to be read, or else they'd just write in a loose-leaf notebook they keep under the mattress marked "For my eyes only". I admit I'm one of those people. I'm a performer, I love standing on stage and being the centre of attention, and I want that feeling here.
But I'm also a wimp at heart. I just want to be liked. I hate the thought that people are mad at me or dislike me. I keep a lot of anger and frustration bottled up inside, and I don't confront people when they upset me. This may be a good venue to release some of that anger and frustration, but then if the people involved are reading it, it's like I AM confronting them with it, and in a impersonal manner. Ahhh, I don't know what to do. I check here frequently for comments, and then I realize nobody is reading my journal, unless they randomly came by because they liked the name. Bah. I'll decide something.

Date:	2004-02-22 03:42
Subject:	Sooo bored
Security:	Public
Mood:	bored

Holy Crap, am I bored. I'm wide awake and I'm not going to even bother trying to sleep, but I'm bored and have nothing to do. I don't feel like playing any of my PS2 games, nothing good is on TV, nobody is available for chat in either MSN or AIM, and I've already surfed around to all my usual sites I visit. The wife and I watched Runaway Jury tonight. Okay movie, but I was kind of disappointed. I recently re-read the book, and it was so much better than the movie. They really cut a large portion of the story, and the ending was totally different. However, it was still better than alot of other movies I've seen, and John Cusack does a great job. After seeing this movie, I think it would be neat to be on a jury in a big case. Either neat or really boring. Speaking of movies, the greatest movie I've seen recently? Big Fish. Anybody reading this should go see it, then see it again. That's definitely one I'm buying the day the DVD comes out. Well, I'm going to try to go to sleep now, wish me luck.

Date:	2004-02-18 22:58
Subject:	Bored, bored, bored
Security:	Public
Mood:	bored

So, my wife came home from her class at school and immediately passed out asleep, as usual. She's always tired, and frequently dozes off and takes naps. I'm quite envious, since it takes me a long time to fall asleep, and it needs to be dark and quiet for it to happen, whereas she sits down on the couch and is snoring within a minute. So, she's sleeping and I decided to come to my journal. I decided I'd do one of those anoying "tell me about you" quizes that I'm frequently getting by e-mail. I have six different ones, and I figured if I'm ever desperate for content here, I'd pull one out of the inbox and fill it out. It's all for you, my sweet readers. Here we go, this is the "last" one. Answers apply to right now, and possibly will be different tommorow.

Last cigarette: Many years ago, quit for the wife.
Last car ride: around 8:00, went to Dad's house, stole some eggs. Wanted to make cornbread.
Last kiss: When my wife came home.
Last good cry: None of my cries are good.
Last library book checked out: I take a dozen at a time, last few were before the honeymoon. A couple of Anne Rice for the New Orleans settings.
Last movie seen: 8 Mile.
Last book read: Cold Heart by Johnathan Kellerman
Last cuss word uttered: Fuck or a version of it.
Last beverage drank: Pepsi
Last food consumed: one of the corn muffins I made
Last crush: Not gonna tell......
Last phone call: last call I got? My mother. last call I made, My dad.
Last TV show watched: CSI I taped while out of town
Last time showered: last night.
Last shoes worn: My boots...fucking snow
Last CD played: Just made a mix CD
Last item bought: A shot glass at the House of Blues in New Orleans
Last downloaded: song...something by Nickelback after I saw them live. Picture...some random porn.
Last annoyance: Everything annoys me.
Last disappointment: And everything disappoints me.
Last soda drank: Pepsi
Last thing written: Pepsi...a few seconds ago. Duh
Last key used: front door
Last words spoken: Fine, you sleep for a while, I'll go on the computer.
Last sleep: went to sleep around 5 in the morning, woke up around 1 this afternoon.
Last IM: I think it was my sister, a few weeks ago
Last sexual fantasy: Umm, not gonna share that one
Last weird encounter: crazy black man on the streets of New Orleans
Last ice cream eaten: choco-vanilla swirl
Last time amused: reading Lowbrow.com
Last time wanting to die:
Last time in love: Meeting my wife, hasn't ended yet
Last time hugged: when my wife came home
Last time scolded: earlier today
Last time resentful: while being scolded
Last chair sat in: My desk chair, still there
Last poster looked at: The one above my desk
Last underwear worn: FTL boxer-briefs
Last bra worn: My man-boobs aren't THAT big
Last time dancing: New Orleans
Last show attended: Once again, New Orleans, Bourbon St.
Last web page visited: www.scotsmanality.com

Well, after a couple of failed attempts in the past to do a blog or online journal fell by the wayside, I decided to not try again. However, here I am, creating myself a new one. I'm such a quitter...then I quit being a quitter, which makes me more of a quitter. Kind of a quitter squared. Groovy. I'll write whenever I have something to say, or whenever I feel like writing. I guess I'll just be one of those people who I hate, who posts every once in a while and you think, "Damn, this guy is interesting, I want to read more about his life", and then he doesn't post for a month, and then it's just a shitty quiz or something. (Yes, there IS someone specific in mind) So, what should I write about? I know, can tell you something about myself.

I'm in my late 20's, Male, got married last summer and just went on a honeymoon. I live in Canada, the cold part in the centre, and I'm a cranky bastard. I hate a lot of things, and a lot of people. I don't like being treated like shit, but I have no problem treating other people like shit. Welcome to my fucking world. Enjoy your stay. More later.